Rebecca Ward's Advice: Why You Should Wait to Marry

Thanks to Rebecca Ward for sharing this blog entry with us.

One reason people shouldn't get married after dating only a few months is they haven't known each other long enough to be out of the Courtship phase and into the Relationship phase. It's really crucial to move through the phases so each will be prepared for the realities of the Marriage phase which as we all know can be more than enlightening and is not for the faint of heart.

During Courtship we are all so goofy with our idealizing projections onto this dream of a person we've finally located that we can't even begin to notice any annoying or even disturbing personality traits that might make us doubt this perfect match-up. We may even think such things as this new relationship is so perfect that there may never be any adjustments either of us need to make! Such is the air balloon in early attraction and each of us deserves this halcyon experience at least once. Some people like it so much they prefer it over and over again rather than move beyond to experience Relationship phase which takes some maturity to handle.

In the Relationship phase, we begin to deal with more reality and see our love object as a person who may be late at times, a bit messy, plays his/her music too loudly, dresses just a bit too casually or even, heaven forbid, seems stubborn at times. So we begin to wonder if our less-than-ideal selves can meld  in mostly harmony and love.Time and experiences together  give us great information  we must have to make wise decisions about whether we can spend a lifetime with this person. This is, after all, the "Go To Person" for life.

It is during this time that we may begin to think to ourselves about possible adjustments or changes that this person may need to make to be more compatible. We may not tell him/her what we are thinking which is not good. Now is the time to discuss these issues to see how willing and able the partner is to meet our needs for alteration!

Unfortunately many couples don't discuss them at all until after the walk up the aisle has been taken, the honeymoon  is a memory, and marriage has begun. Uh-oh. "Now you tell me" and that doesn't feel fair." Why didn't you tell me sooner that my putting catsup on my eggs drives you nuts?" "Well, how was I to know you didn't like my best friend and now you're trying to banish him/her from my life?" And these are little things! My politics and love or sports, my need to shop and my need for you to load the dishwasher my way are more difficult. Oh, yeah..my family is not going away!

Most newly weds still operate under the somewhat delusional belief that the partner can be altered...substantially. Older married people know that is not the case. While you may be successful in "training" your partner to pick up errant clothing or honor time requirements or even remember to put an ATM withdrawal into the conversation, more basic personality traits are resistant and usually impossible to change. So you get to the "That's just the way he/she is" stage and marriage becomes infinitely better!

Focus on the traits you love, endure those that you don't, and be smart enough to know that changing anyone is not an easy endeavor. We can only change ourselves and we all know how difficult that can be! Giving up sleep for exercise, carbs for proteins,and coffee for herbal tea...well, that kind change is just hard!