Thanks to therapist Rebecca Ward for sending us this blog entry about divorce & children.
One of the questions I get asked most often by couples who are
getting divorced is "How do we tell our children?" And another is "How
can we make this as easy on our children as possible/"
Now there are many variables to consider in answering this
question: the age of the children, how many there are, how long the
marriage has lasted, whether it's a nuclear family or a step-family,
what the circumstances of the dissolution of the marriage are and on
and on.
I do know if one or both of the parents are asking me that
question then they are able to acknowledge that they are not the only
people that will be affected by their divorce. If only one parent is
there, well, that's better than no parent being there. Asking for some
guidance as the family "restructures" is usually a great indication
that their children will do better than those whose parents seem only
able to focus on their own misery or hurt or anger or revenge.
Unfortunately since divorce is about disappointment (and rejection,
betrayal, disillusionment) in some form or another, it is ordinarily
not a pleasant experience and unless both parties are in agreement
about the need to dissolve their union, there is going to be emotion to
be handled and the more mature the spouses are, the less likely they
are to handle it in a way that involves the children.
I encourage parents to act like parents first and foremost which
means they will put the needs and feelings of their children first
during this trying experience. The children are part of a family but
they are not a part of a marriage. The failure of that relationship has
to be borne by the two people who created the union. Whatever faults
and blames there may be to foist upon self or other, that needs to be
done away from the children. "Your marriage is none of their business,"
I say to parents and "the less they know about it, the better it is."
Children at any age have difficulty "seeing" Mom and Dad as
anything but "Mom and Dad'. Their traits as a man or woman aren't
really of much interest to children though that will slowly change as
they turn into adults. My experience is even grown children have some
difficulty accepting their parents in any other roles. We really want
them to be our Moms and our Dads forever, don't we? So don't talk about
each other to the kids. They do not need to hear who is drinking too
much, spending too much, never home, never listens, is selfish and
inconsiderate, etc etc etc. The focus is on giving them the information
and being as reassuring as possible.
So my advice to divorcing parents? Act like parents, keep the
details minimal, do not slander the other parent in any manner,
reassure the children they will see both of you and that you love them
and will continue to be there for them. Tell them emphatically that
they had NOTHING to do with your decision to divorce. NOTHING. Tell
them this is between the two or you and you both love them dearly.They
will want to know some details about how their lives will change so
address those, ie., "Dad will be living in an apartment and you can see
him whenever you want" or "Yes, you will still be in the same school
and we'll be staying here for the time being." Let them know they will
know of any big location changes and that their life will stay as
normal as possible. It is helpful if both parents can talk to the
children together so they can see that there is still a parental unit
and their parents are going to be able to communicate with each other.
Fighting parents upset their children at any time but when they're
divorcing it is more so.
Divorce is common in our society and children know all about it
from friends and the media. But when it happens to them, they need lots
of attention and reassurance.
Rebecca Ward, MSW, LCSW
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