Communication & Relationships

Thanks to Rebecca Ward for sharing this blog entry with us.

Communication is the number one problem couples come into my office needing help with. Oh, they may fuss about money or household chores or not having enough time together or the in-laws etc. but the real issue is not being able to talk about it all without communication breaking down and no resolution is reached. And resolution can mean understanding, acceptance, acknowlegment, or agreeing to disagree and be different and be okay with it.

As I talked about on GMA, partners have to listen and acknowledge what each other is sharing without judgment. You may think anything you wish, but respond in a way that tells your partner you are listening and that you are interested in what he/she is telling you. Communication will proceed if that step happens. It can get derailed if judgemental remarks are made and your partner feels criticized.

I also talked about "I" statements and their importance to good communication. Using "I" statements means you're talking about hopefully someone you know! You can know what you think and feel and want and need or don't want and don't need but you really can't know all that about your partner unless you're told. So say "I feel unimportant" instead of "You never think about what I want." Using You statements is one of the biggest mistakes couples make when they're talking so don't do it. The only "You" statements you can make are compliments. "You look great today" "Wow, you sure are thin!?"

"I" statements will help you be direct in your communcations with your partner. Say "I need you to pick up something for me at the pharmacy today. Do you have time?" Don't start out with "Honey, what's your day like today?" Or "Do you plan on being in West Little Rock anytime soon?" Being direct certainly avoids the pitfalls of the three A;s: Assuming, Attributing, and Analyzing". Use any of those at your own risk!  We do not like our partners assuming they know what they say they know without asking us. We don't like being analyzed unless we're paying a therapist to do just that. And when our partners attribute goals or agendas or motives or whatever to us without asking us if they are correct, well, that's not going to work at all!

And of course, the Red Flag words. Never, Always, Should, No one, Everyone. These words are almost guaranteed to prompt defensiveness in your partner for the obvious reasons that they are absolutes and people generally are not absolutely absolute! The sun may rise every single morning forever and ever but I may forget to turn off the kitchen light ocassionally! But I don't forget to turn it off every single morning or evening of my life! I think using those words sparingly if at all is great advice.

 And next week I'm going to talk about how to fight fairly. What? You and your spouse never fight? How awful! How can you possibly be in a real marriage without needing to disagree with each other and have to work toward a resolution through speech? We marrieds all have to learn to "fight" but not "fight-fight-blood-on-the-wall-fighting".