Rebecca Ward's Infidelity Advice

Last week on GMA, a woman called in with a question that was really difficult to answer in 45 seconds. She asked if she should tell her husband about an affair she had recently ended.

 

There is no short definitive answer to that question. Every affair begins and ends with circumstances unique to the people involved. There are so many things that must be considered when making the decision to inform or not inform the betrayed marital partner. I go on a case to case basis in making the decision and I don't have a set policy or rule about the revelation and confession of an affair.

 

My two rules about infidelity are I won't work with a couple if an affair is going on and I won't keep an affair secret from the other spouse.  I ask couples in the beginning if there are other people involved and I tell them clearly I won't work with them if there is and I won't keep a secret so don't call me and tell me one.

 

The practice of marital infidelity and our society's views have altered over the last several decades. Unfortunately affairs seem to be more prevalent currently or maybe they're just more overt and society is more forgiving. Still, the decision to reveal or not is a controversial one and each therapist must weigh all  possible outcome options before making recommendations.

 

All things equal, I often encourage the admission so the couple can then look at how and why it happened and begin to address the marital issues. While the decision to go outside the marriage is the total responsibility of the Infidel, the partner also has to examine him or herself to see what contributed to the reality of such an action being considered. It appears that no action occurs in a vacuum so conditions need to be analyzed. Trust has been devastated and rebuilding takes time and patience. There are times I think that there is no good purpose in revelation and confession but that subject is too complicated to discuss here.

 

I simply wanted to clarify how much there is to consider when an affair has occurred and how wisely it must be handled so all involved can have understanding and resolution. As contradictory as this might sound, couples who have worked through all the pain that an affair inflicts, examined their relationship and themselves, and rebuilt understanding and trust attain a stronger closer marriage than they ever had. All tell me they would have preferred to have achieved marital success by a different route!

 

Rebecca Ward